Not Quiet, Not Idle – A Voice Against Sexual Abuse of Sikh Boys
Guestblogged by Daler Singh
Warning: This post contains graphic depictions of sexualized violence.
I was about 7 years old when a respected granthi and my dad’s friend sexually molested me. I would spend much of my afternoons and evenings at the gurdwara. My father is a devout Sikh and made sure he went at least once a day after work to visit, but Sundays were the days I remember my entire day could be spent at our local Gurdwara.  One evening, while divan was occurring, I went to go play hide-and-seek with my friends. During one of these games, I ran past a van that was parked on the premises of the gurdwara. It was brown and I remember there were curtains in the van. The door slid open and a young boy, a little older than me, climbed out. He immediately called over to me and asked me to come look inside the van, so I did.
40 Responses to “Not Quiet, Not Idle – A Voice Against Sexual Abuse of Sikh Boys”
This is very sad and inappropriate. I would never guess this went on at our temples, we need to teach our children, brothers, sisters, cousins, nephew, nieces… that they need to voice their opinions and should not be afraid. Also at some age, teaching them some sort of self defense, and to say "NO" regardless who they are dealing with is ok.
The responsibility is not on the victim. To state that we just need to teach those who potentially become victimized is ignoring the systems of power, authority and abuse that exist in the world. What we need to do is teach the perpetrators along side survivors and vulnerable young people about what this is….Please be mindful when you put the responsibility on the victim you are propagating a form of victim shaming that occurs worldwide but especially in south asian and particularly punjabi culture. The fact that we are so shocked when it happens shows how blind we are to its prevalence (and it is widely prevalent).
teaching kids to say NO when they feel uncomfortable can be helpful. it doesn't mean that the responsibility falls on the victim.
I am so sorry you've had to live with this for so long. Thank you for having the courage to share your story – an invaluable seva.
<3 My friend, I respect and admire your courage to tell your story. I wish you didn't have to feel the shame or guilt associated with such trauma. I come from a Muslim background where such abuses have also been covered and the victims shamed. Thank you for sharing <3
Thank you sweet brother for writing. Whether for catharsis or as a voice for others – we are all connected thus celebrate the freedom of shackles breaking, whenever they are broken anywhere.
Your voice Will hit hearts, memories and the hidden realities of many, both perpetrator and victim…and hopefully inspire possibility of healing in corners that have been dark for far too long.
First and foremost – Daler Singh, your courage and resilience are at the core of why you are here to write this.
Perpetrators are thinly veiled and just like victims of the Catholic Church and Residential School's in Canada (Indigenous Children) – we need to challenge authority, regardless of the institution (school, Places of Worship, Social Clubs, etc).
Denial that atrocities such as this and other violations (physical.mental, substance abuse etc ) take place in our community positions us as a vulnerable sangat.
When we face the reality that this could be happening and have open dialogue with those we entrust our children to – then and only then will accountability and awareness surface along with hope.
To all those who live with the horrific guilt of being abused by relatives or people of stature in our community – reach out.
Daler Singh – you have many who now walk alongside you.
Thank you for sharing your story. It must have been very difficult for you to write, and we are all very proud that you are raising your voice against horrific abuse that is hushed up in our communities. Your contribution to the voice of resistance is immeasurably powerful. Thank you.
Extremely brave of you to share your story. I wish you support and a way to forget and live a new life.
As for the sinners. If you could tell a real Singh..he will gladly catch a charge for the punishment of such a sinner.
And believe me, his punishment awaits him after he leaves this world like everyone must.
We should have real leaders in the community with the right intentions. Monitor the gurduara's properly. WIth high-tech cameras. Teach children and also monitor their behavior as to detect if anything seems odd. Then trace back to cameras and conversation to see if anything out of place can be mapped.
I wish I could wrangle that's assholes neck!!!
Thanks a ton for sharing your story! I'm sure it will give many others the strength and courage they need to stand up for themselves. It's a shame that these things happen at our own gurdwaray from the people we expect it to happen least from. It's hard to trust anyone these days, I guess that's why it's called kalyug. <3
You are a courageous, strong person for speaking out. All the marks of a true Khalsa. The person who did this to you deserves the worst punishment imaginable.
Firstly, I want to thank you for having the courage to share this experience. I, also, know few individuals that were sexually molested by Sikh men, a few were Amritdhari even. I cannot image the trauma, but I want to let you know that you, and those others that have come forward, have done a great Seva for starting this discussion. In Chardee Kalaa, always.
I really feel for you brother for having gone through something as horrendous as this!And I absolutely feel sorry for the guy who did this to you because i could clearly see how far he is still from being a human!
Such people should be identified and kept at zoo with animals!
Daler Singh:
I send you love and strength, and commend you on your bravery for sharing your story. Our New Jersey Gurudwara was home to a granthi who sexually abused many children to various degrees. Thankfully, he was removed as soon as the abuse was discovered. However, there was no mention of him, or the abuse, ever again. None of those affected by him (myself included) were ever counseled, spoken to, given help, etc. Gurudwara was a scary place for me for a long time. It was thought that once the granthi was removed, all problems were solved. Not so. I don't know how others were affected, because we never spoke about it again. The after-hours kirtan classes didn't end, and we didn't stop going to Gurudwara. Why would we?
If I was in class with a parent, I was generally ok. One time, though, my mother left me in the outer shoe area, and told me to wait for her while she went inside and spoke with one of the raagis. I stood alone as random raagis or granthis would cross back and forth. Not even looking at me, but I still started having a panic attack and crying. Minutes felt like hours. When my mother finally came back and saw me crying, she didn't understand why I was upset. I tried to vaguely explain, but the only response I got was to calm down and to get over it.
What I went through was nowhere near what others have suffered, especially you, but that our people should pretend that this abuse doesn't exist only further damages our children. Thank you for sharing yourself with us and sparking a valuable discussion.
This the ultimate seva you could have done for the world, brother. Our love and support will always be with you.
Thank you for sharing your story… It shows others that they are not alone when they have this experience. We need to start sharing our stories within our community because we too have issues of abuse. Telling each story brings consciousness which leads to awakening and then change
My heart is heavy for you and yet I'm not surprised this goes on. As a 33 year old woman I have heard countless accounts of this within our community.
If it weren't for my career choice then I think I would not discuss this so openly amongst my family and friends. I try to educate them and always remind them that someone will always be there to listen to them.
You, my friend have empowered others to open up and that is a true gift.
I'm sorry for your experience my brother! We came to Canada in the mid 70's and that was our (my sister and my) first experience of this same nightmare in the gurudawara… My parents were working while they trusted these animals!
Thank you for sharing your account bhaji. Sexual abuse is a taboo subject that needs to be aired and discussed. Hopefully your courage to tell the world will make it easier for others to do the same and prevent such dreadful acts in the future. Perhaps it is time for gurdwaras to start teaching about 'stranger danger' to young children.
This is nothing new,go to any nihang deras,deras of other Sikh sects including damdami taksal it is common.The new thing is somebody talked about it in this blog.Even now most of the posts are about anger,indignation or something else.Being ex cop I tried to raise this issue on this blog and other Sikh? Sites but was shouted down.Even now I am saying if this atrocitity occurs ,please go to the authorities,take legal action don't be shut down in the name of community,relatives,shame and other justifications.A crime is a crime,it should not be tuned out in name of religion.Maybe the new administrator of this site won't tune me out.
Thank you Daler Singh. This takes immense courage, heart and honesty. I too have learned the painful reality that those we turn to for nurturing and safe support can be the very ones who break down the fiber of our innocent beings. That one first moment that changes the entire course of one's life…it is devastating beyond words. Please know that light and healing are within you and around you. Love and the warmest of embraces..
(comment from 'dayalasingh' came from user: avneet. incorrect sign in.)
This is sick and sad, our parents were very trusting and naive and sadly this happened to you but it could have been me or anyone, because years ago kids were left to play etc and the Gurdwara was considered a safe place (which it should be).
Unfortunately this is not the case, i myself am a keshdari singh, but have always told my kids not to trust anyone even people wearing turbans.
Saddened by this story, i hope this evil scumbag has been brought to justice and Guru sahib ji administers the highest punishment to this individual.
I read peoples comments and agree you are very brave and considerate person who has shared his sad story, so this does not happen to others may Guru ji take away your pain and give you happiness and chardi kala ji.
we like to ignore the bad things are so called respected people do and make out that only happens in other communities..the truth is we have all the same human evils happening and never highlight it..when the play Behsti was released a few years ago in the UK we as a community refused to accept rape in gurdwara as reality and maligned the play right and made Sikhs look like intolerant idiots amongst broader society
Screening,education,family background,martial status, i think that will help.
You are brave to share this story and it's very shameful that such instances happened at the places where it is believed that our mind and soul is at peace.
It is not the question if he is brave or not . The person who did this action should be fully punished
Otherwise it is same senario as to what happened to Sikhs in 1984 . The whole world dead silent
and now sikh sangats and Gurwara managementskeeping mum that it is not their business to punish the guilty. Thanks
Keep websiteing stuff like this I actually am fond of it
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We parents must show our toleranse towords our children so that they feel us as equal friends and may tell us such hapenings, so we can catch such bad persons to punish them in their beginings. Such persone must be stoped to spoil the society. In my child hood, I had gotten no such experiences also not with my play freinds. My elder brothers , my father and uncles were very dominent in the city, even I as a child was not afraid to call the thirty / fourty people to stope smoking in the train before me, at the age of 7/8 years Old, but in the present of my elder brother, He was just 14/15 years old (in 1945). Such courage we had from Guruduwara by listening Sakhies from our couragious Sikhs, Gurus, and many many others. I am shocked to read obev written story. I felt in my most of life time Shri Guru Gobind Singh Ji is with us always and every where. That was the teaching of my innocent uneducated mother and my a bit educated Amrit dhari Sikhs. We grow our children with out Sikh Character, perhaps, as I am not psychologist, but very much believer of my Guru Jee. I am not sure if my comments are adiquate. I beg parden.
This is a terrible story. Sadly, it is also my story.
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