Khuli Dhari: My Journey to Beard Liberation
My childhood was full of insecurity and self-doubt, the result of years of harassment, taunts, and jokes about the ball/rag/tomato/towel/etc. on my head as a turban-wearing child. My insecurities, however, began to shift (or expand) as puberty hit. Let’s call it facial hair anxiety.
At first, having a moustache grow in at a young age wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. After all, I passed as much older than I was, which was nice for a scrawny brown kid like me.
But soon enough, the complex around my dhari (beard) settled in, and no amount of time with a thatha tied tightly 
around my head was ever enough to totally alleviate my beard insecurities.
Surrounded by peers for whom shaving was a rite of passage into manhood, it’s not surprising that I felt a little left out (though to be clear, the idea of a razor on my face never sounded so pleasant). Further, I was inundated with the voices of young women in my school casually referring to facial hair as gross or unattractive (with no intention to hurt my feelings I’m sure) and their preference for guys who were “clean-shaven.”
CLEAN-shaven. The implication being that facial hair is…dirty?
These are the messages we get from our peers and from the media every day. So naturally I assumed it was highly unlikely that any of my female classmates would ever be interested in dating someone like me. The combination of a dirty face plus a patka was enough to cause a whole lot of anxiety and insecurity for this angsty teenage Singh.
Angstyness aside, I spent a lot of time grooming my beard. Applying a liberal dose of gel (Dep #11 was my produce of choice) to my beard and smushing it to my face with a thatha for as much time as I had (facilitated and sped up with the power of a blow dryer) was a daily ritual for me as soon as I had enough hair on my face to do it. I was never into the beard glued to the face look, but I did like it smooth.
There were always the “bad beard days” when a rebellious group of hairs would inexplicably pop out of place into a conspicuous tight curl on my otherwise smooth and sleek dhari. Or the hot and humid days when no matter how much gel I put on my beard, it would just revert to a frizzy, curly mess within an hour. The obsession of keeping my beard looking a certain way grew proportionally to the length of my beard itself. Bobby pins soon came into the mix, all adding to the complexity and time of the morning dhari routine.
My dad and older brother had similar routines with their beards (my dad keeping it old school with the fixo, of course), as did all my Sikh male friends who kept their hair and beards and unshorn (with different levels of obsession). We’d exchange tips on the most recent holding products and techniques we were trying. It was actually a fun way to connect with other guys in the community, always proving to be a good icebreaker to get a conversation going.
Beard-tying was simply the status quo for the majority of my hair-faced life. I never questioned it. It’s just how it was. It’s just what we did.
When I look back on it now, I see a direct connection to my aforementioned facial hair anxiety. My borderline obsessive desire to keep every hair on my face a certain way was perhaps (at least partly) rooted in my anxiety around my beard (and turban) not being attractive. Perhaps it was a way to try to fit in just a little bit more.
Fast forward to my late twenties when I was attending the Sikh Research Institute’s fabulous Sidak program in San Antonio, Texas. It was an intensive week of interpreting Gurbani, discussing the Sikh revolution, building sangat, and of course, waking up really early for morning prayers and such. My second morning there I woke up too late to deal with my dhari so I went to the diwan hall all natural. The facial hair anxiety was creeping up even in that all-Sikh context, but I went with it at least for the morning. Later that afternoon I finally had time to gel, tie, and thatha my beard. Much to my surprise, a handful of members of my new sangat asked me why I tied my beard back up, saying it looked nice open.
I thought and thought and thought about it, but really didn’t have a good answer. I shrugged my shoulders and went on about the day, but the question continued to irk me. Why was I tying my beard? I couldn’t come up with an answer that I was comfortable with, so I didn’t gel or tie it for the rest of my two weeks there–a totally unprecedented move (up until that time I seldom left the house without tying my beard).
After coming back home to Brooklyn, I thought about why I chose to keep my kesh and wear a turban and about how proud I am to be a Sikh and literally wear that identity every day. I thought about the boldness of Guru Gobind Singh instructing the members of the Khalsa to wear dastars to mark themselves publicly as revolutionaries, rather than to blend into society. I thought about all the years I spent obsessing over trying to make my beard look a certain way without ever questioning why it was that I was doing that.
At the age of 28, I was finally asking myself, why? It wasn’t easy to face, but when I was totally honest with myself, what I was really doing all those years was trying to make my beard look shorter, straighter, tamer, more polite. I felt a deep contradiction between my counterhegemonic aspirations inspired by the revolutionary spirit of Sikhi and my actions. I felt like I was trying to hide something, but what did I really have to hide? Since when has the Sikh identity been about hiding?
So began my path from facial hair anxiety to beard liberation.
It took awhile to get used to and appreciate the new khuli dhari look, especially since my beard is relatively long. While insecurities about my beard still creep up from time to time, overall I think about how my beard looks so much less and pretty much never obsess about it any more.
Ultimately, this has been a transition towards self-acceptance. And as a bonus, I never have a crunchy or flaky face from holding products any more and save a whole lot of time getting ready in the morning.
Sure, there are plenty of challenges with rocking the khuli dhari as well, both coming from mainstream society as well as from within the Sikh community. I definitely noticed an increase in derogatory comments, stares, and dirty looks in my daily life, which was frankly not a surprise. Nor was it anything I wasn’t already (sadly) accustomed to. What has been especially disappointing are the some of the reactions I’ve gotten from other Sikhs. Certain family members were adamantly opposed to my beard transition and pleaded with me not to wear it open for reasons like: “It doesn’t look nice/clean/professional/groomed/smart.”
I imagine this sounds familiar not only to other Sikh men who wear their dharis open but also to Black women who wear their hair natural.
Last year I was at a gathering at my aunt’s house and was taken aback when multiple (Sikh) friends of my aunt’s (who I did not know) practically interrogated me about my beard throughout the evening. They seemed almost threatened by my choice to leave my beard open. One older uncle asked me, “Who told you to do this?” and “What are you trying to prove?” The question came up time and time again in different ways that evening and continues to when I interact with certain (more affluent) segments of our community: Why in the world do you not tie your beard up?
But shouldn’t we first ask: Why DO you tie your beard? I haven’t done any substantial research on the topic, but I have heard from a few mentors and friends (who know way more about Sikh history than I do) that beard-tying became a common practice after the British colonized India and recruited Sikhs to serve in the Army. Perhaps then beard liberation takes on a whole new meaning of decolonizing my body.
Of course there are many reasons the Sikh men tie and/or put holding products their beards, and I am certain that for many, the decision to tie and/or gel their beards has little to do with insecurity or self-doubt. My point here is not to prescribe what Sikh men should or shouldn’t do with their beards, but only to convey my own story and experience and why I’ve made the choices I make.
I also hope we can engage in more dialogue about why we make the aesthetic choices we make with respect to our hair/beards, and the pressure, judgment, and intracommunity policing that surround these choices. This is a conversation much bigger than the Sikh community, but perhaps we can start here, with our dharis.
67 Responses to “Khuli Dhari: My Journey to Beard Liberation”
"anxiety to liberation", "decolonization of oneself" – just a few of the beautiful expressions in your post.
thank you for sharing your experience and (re)initiating a conversation about how we express and display ourselves.
Awesome ….I really appreciate the effort of the writer for sharing hie experience . After reading this , I also feel to keep a Khulli dhaarhi look from now ….. Thumbs up to the writer .
Sikh men with khulli dharis are hot. Honestly. No joke.
What a well written piece and a view into a "decision" that most of us probably don't realize. But very understandable and I can relate. As a Creole woman with naturally wildly curly hair that's easily straightened. My wild curly hair is perceived as me being kind of wild or weird and straight hair is much more "professional" and "clean cut". I prefer the weird me, just as I prefer to see a dharri wore open. A proud display of culture and confidence and undeniably attractive.
Very well written… I'm sure that after reading this every sikh guy , like me must be inspired to keep a khulli dharhi look……..
See, I always thought I would go khuli, like my dad used to, but started to tie it up to keep it out of my food. I don't try to tame it, just keep it from getting into things, much like my jura does with my head kesh.
great read!
Great piece on challenging western/mass produced notions of beauty. Thank you Brooklynwala for your truthful, reflective post. Hope it inspires all brothers are inspired to keep/honor saroop that their Guru has given them.
great post — especially from a person who is so visible through public performance and presence. i'm getting there, and your thoughts definitely help speed us all along! guru fateh!
I understand what the writer is saying but I just find this entire subject very cringeworthy. I can see someone sharing these thoughts in a moment of weakness with a fellow Singh in an unlikely warrior's exchange of perhaps what brand of moisturiser to prefer for soothing calluses, but it's another thing to write this up in detail like above and put it on the web. If the author was coming out of the closet, as it were, this 'liberation' is uncomfortable and bizarre but assuredly loud and proud.
I've been there, did the gel thing, then moved on soon enough to freestyle in the early 20s, just because it was less messy. i know some Singhs can pull off the gelled look very well, and full power to them, but for me the freestyle 'look' is just infinitely better for those of us with beards since it best reflects a manly appearance. If I were concerned for smooth and slick, well i'd go cutting or shaving rather than slicking disgusting hair product all over my face and looking like some shiny caricature of uneasy compromise.
And i've been told by those females whose opinion mattered that 'a full works singh' is quite attractive, so make of that what you will.
This is one of the most insightful and very honest pieces I've read on one of my favourite subjects: hair. It is bound to ruffle some feathers because it is a refreshingly honest piece. This piece reminds me of another favourite essay of mine: "My First Conk" by Malcolm X which describes black men who went to elaborate lengths to try and fit into white "civilized" society by conking their hair. Granted, tying up or putting gel on a dhari is not the same as conking, but Malcolm's point and yours seem to be that it is not a decision purely based on personal grooming or personal style.
I really appreciate how brooklynwala connects his self-doubt and insecurity to his early experiences of teasing and taunting. I think this essay is a great example of the ways one can become disconnected and even ashamed of parts of who we are, so much so that it becomes normal to hide it or deny it. The innocent and and not so innocent teasing of our formative years can leave psychological scars and wounding that affect our behavior. The journey to beard liberation that he shares is a beautiful example of a person's journey of self awareness and healing. I see in this story that it's not truly about how one ties or does not tie their beard. It's about self love and not internaliizing the subtle ways our societies can teach self hate and shame. ( insert lady gaga's anthem "baby i was born this way " …..ha ha) Love it! Thank you for sharing Brooklynwala!
Amazing post brother. Your appearance pushes family members and others’ angst to the front. Instead of dealing with that angst, they take it out on you. Continue with your pagh to the sky and your dhari free and hanging low.
Gur Fateh!
I hope every Singh out there can read this and understand the importance of a khuli dhari – This is the way that Mahraj wants us to be, we just need to go with it. Lets not even get started on the Singhnia and their hair anxiety – but I say it again – Mahraj wants us this way!
Thank you for sharing, I can imagine how hard it was to get it out there.
WJKK WJKF
Your post was amazing. I totally feel the same way as you and have been so used to tying it up. A khuli dhari is awesome and would save a lot of time. One reason I do tie it up is so that in my chemistry lab it stays out of the way. What do you think I should do: for conferences and presentations with my professor its seems more appropriate to keep my beard tied up just so it looks nice and neat. I have a fairly straight beard and don't like it when my side burns are all over the place. I use pomade and my beard is never shiny, crunchy, flaky or hard it stays nice all day. I do however suck at placing bobby pins in strategic locations to hold my beard up but fail miserably at it. I am trying rubber bands but its not that easy. If you have any tips on tying it up after i gel it down that would be awesome. My beard isn't that long and doesnt have a lot of volume to it and it is really straight.
Seems like you put your heart out and told us the inner struggle that you had for many years and you feel liberated. I agree that Khuli Dari looks Natural and graceful. On top of it, It takes less time to get ready and no messy gels on your face. I am doing it only on weekends for decades, but going to work on weekdays, I still tie my beard using a hair(rubber) band, fixo to fix it with Thatha…. you know the routine.
But Internally my 100% wants me to keep Khuli dari all the time. Would that ever happen, I don't know, my Waheguru Ji knows.
Great piece! Loved it! Now, I do not have have a 'Khulli Dahri' nor do I intend to wear it that way. I did have a 'Khuli Dhahri' for about first 10 'Dhahri' years and then about 9 years back I decided to tie it up. Reason/Logic: Maharaj gave us a 'Kangha' to comb or hair and pur it in a Jooda neatly, so why not do the same for facial hair? I do not use any elastics or bobby pins, I just braid it like a 'gutt' and tuck it up. I do not use any hair products, just some oil, which I am sure most of us use whether we wear 'Khulli Dahri' or 'Bannhi hoi Dahri'. It is a matter of respect (adab) that we keep our hair clean and neat. Tucked in, it does not get into the way of machines (Grinders and lathes etc.) that I work with. I love my Dhahree and respect it and I want to keep it neat and tidy. This is my way of looking at 'Banhi hoi Dhahri'.
I love the blog Brooklynwala ji. More power to you to reflect upon yourself in such an open and honest way.
The fact is that very few of us aspiring Sikhs (Sehaj Dharis, Kes Dharis, Amrit Dharis, et al) actually know or appreciate the level of honesty it takes with one's own self to be true to the path of Sikhi!
It doesn't matter if (like S. Singh) who makes a Joora or leaves their Dharis khulli as you do! I think that the amount of gel/hair spray/fixo that many Sikh aspirants use on their Dharis should, at some level of awareness, wake up to the level of toxins and energies they waste in an already damning environment! Not to mention the drying of it with hair dryers, its just more work for mother nature to take care of supposedly organic people.
I would (and do) argue that between the tied to your face beard with its excessive amounts of waste is worse than a fellow praji who trims their beard; environmentally and organically speaking.
As for the people who interrogate you for your chosen look, don't worry about questioning them back anything, why would you, you're letting it free: strong and powerful in the way that Khuda had you created. Or as Guru Nanak says, "Karmo appo apni."
One day maybe I will conquer my own demons and take the path towards the Light, and reading about honest Loving people such as yourself brings just the impetus to break down my own walls of moh and hangkari.
Thanks for sharing your experience. By reading this blog, it felt like somebody has read my mind. May Waheguru grant me with samat as well so I can leave my darrhi khuli as well. I love keeping my beard open but because of insecurity, I choose not to do it.
I too am a Sikh with a full beard and at present do the gel thing and so can feel your pain of the morning ritual. LOL @ the notion of weather induced 'bad-beard days', totally associate with that as its raining cats and dogs at present. I also ditto the almost global notion of facial (and genrally) hair to be dirty and unclean or untidy.
I did go through the open beard thing for a good fews years as I learned more of my identity and of my Sikh heritage. My choice to slick my beard was for a number of reasons all of which aggregate to integration. This included all professional and social circles apart from the Amritdhari (baptised) friends and associates.
I too was very surprised by my families reaction when I started to keep my beard many years ago from a 'trim Singh'.
I do not have too much of a hang-up about wearing my beard free and do so whenever I feel the need.
Essentially, by wearing my beard free or styled does not change the way I think or act as I can be myself in whatever guise I choose to adorn. I think this is the most important thing.
Great article and discussion
great read. along the same lines: http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/How_modern_are…
an interesting piece, i think the key point is that none of this has anything to do with your dhari, but rather the way you choose to wear your dhari is indexical of your own personal self-image and self-narrative. you felt anxiety when you were young because of a disconnect between your personal look and aesthetic standards that you had internalized from the social world around you. as you gained more self-confidence, you were able to present an image that you wished without anxiety.
i think it is a false dichotomy to present this as "beard liberation", as if any other option besides khuli dhari is somehow imprisoning, colonization, or capitulation. it all has to do with self-confidence, and that's it. as one of the commenters above mentioned, "kanga" is one of the five k's for a reason. there is nothing at all wrong with keeping one's beard well-groomed (according to one's own aesthetic). no one with any pride would walk around with khuli dhari but without having bathed and with unwashed clothes in a professional context. so upkeeping one's dhari (in whatever way one chooses) is just part of an overall package that radiates self-confidence, including appearance, language, demeanor, manner, showing concern for others, and all the rest.
I really appreciate this post. But this article is missing a key variable that coerces people towards gelling the dhari: employment. I kept my beard liberated until the end of freshman year in college. To be honest, my real concerns regarding keeping an open beard started when I started to look for a summer job the summer before sophomore year. Questions began to swirl in my mind: What would employers make of the all-natural look? Will they, as some of my peers in high school alluded to, interpret it as a sign of bad hygiene associated with homeless people? Would they associate the turban and beard with Islamic fundamentalists that would create the wrong atmosphere in a store and turn off customers? So, for me the steps towards gelling were like striking a compromise with the expectations of western culture with that of the faith. Of course, I think this was better than shaving and taking that route. And while it has been tough even with a gelled dhari to get full acceptance, in time I expect to gain more confidence and better communicate to my co-workers, friends, Americans in general about the beauty of Sikhism and gain absolute acceptance (even appreciation) of the full Khalsa look. I think this was the only way for me to gain confidence, given the very clear bias of the media for the "clean-shaved" look. In my experience if you talk to people, they eventually appreciate Sikhi's emphasis on the natural look; after all, do we really want to live in a society that is no longer satisfied with the clean shaved look and now requires you to get cosmetic surgeries to "fix" your body?
tera pana meetha laagay,tis naam pdarath nanak maangay….
man jeetay jag jeet….
Dear Brooklynwala – Please share your thoughts/experiences at work with your khulli daadi. I am software consultant by profession and have to travel all over US for my consulting assignments. After reading your thoughts, I have started thinking about going khulli daadi, but would like to know your experiences at work….What is your profession?
Regards
PhiladelphiaWala
i'm also an educator, at a u.s. university. i've taught with khuli dhari before. i was humbled by a teaching award recently, so i'm sure my khuli dhari is not getting in the way of my performance, or of others' positive perceptions of me, faculty, students, or my peers. recently i've been tying my dhari more often, as i often did when i was younger. i may have been influenced recently by images of family members from the past, many of whom were in the military. they were some handsome devils! maybe i'm trying to emulate them in some way.
so i don't have a problem with either look (and it is a "look", a style, a matter of personal preference). whatever you choose, just rock it. confidence starts on the inside and then projects outward, not the other way around. so if you're tying your dhari to meet external expectations, that may be a problem. however, if you've got the confidence beginning from within, then then whatever outward appearance you choose to embody (or whichever one you feel is appropriate to the context you're working in), you're going to shine.
we dress and act appropriate to context all the time. we try to dress well and refrain from standing and shouting in the middle of gurdwara, just as we would do in the middle of a church. we wear sharp business attire (even with khuli dhari) when we're attending an important business meeting or meeting some dignitaries. we dress appropriately when we're performing bhangra or giddha on stage. we dress the part in each case. same with how you choose to wear your dhari. you should wear it according to your own judgment of the situation.
confidence is the key, confidence is the question. not outward appearance.
Dear All,
I think the notion of an open beard not being professional or preventing Sikhs from getting a job is ridiculous! Has anyone stopped and asked a gora what looks more professional? I have, and most think tying a dhari looks unusual. No gorey tie their dhari's and hence what is professional looking in terms of a beard is a moot point.
I work as an investment banker and have worked in some major investment banks and oil and gas companies with a Dumalla and open beard and have never faced any problems in either gaining employment or being perceived professionally. My photo (with khuli dhari) and bio is currently displayed on our companies website…. once again no issues.
The only people who think a think a tied beard looks more professional are people from India or with strong cultural links to India. Western people have no difference between beard styles in terms of professionalism.
I
I am a Chinese male and look with envy the magnificient beards of the sikhs but unable to grow one. Is there any way for me to grow a sikh beard? Any advice will be welcome by the sikh community. Thank you.
Chinese male
I like your story on the other hand i do tie my beard. Not for the reason it is ugly dirty or what others are saying i dont care. Tying the beard is not wrong but cutting is wrong so we dont have to explain anything. Tying the beard will not make you less sikh but cutting will make you not a sikh at all. I have 3ft long beard by not tying it, the hairs gets stuckinto each other and when it is combed alot of hair get pulled off. So stay in sikhi and feel comfortable in it. If anyone criticise the BEARD OF SIKH IS ACTUALLY CRITICISING OUR GURUS who gave us the identity of a Sikh. I am proud and lucky to be Sikh. We should infact reverse the criticising by saying Why in the world you cut your hairn & imagine a Lion without hair.
[…] ‘mansome’ issues. A recent post on the blog The Langar Hall by blogger Brooklynwala discusses his experience with being “kuli dhari” (open-bearded) rather than tying his uncut beard up under his chin: At the age of 28, I was finally […]
I read this article and it is great to raise awareness of the struggles of keeping your beard.I like yourself had a real struggle but with just keeping the beard itself. I made the bad decision at age 18 of cutting my beard which I carried on for the next 15 years or so. Lets say there were more punjabi's in my life who encouraged my poor choice and some were my elders. Derogatory comments came from all sources but the ones that did the most damage were ones from other punjabi's.I have now decided to keep my beard after actually seeing other fellow Sikhs keeping theirs. The difference I have is when I see these Singhs and they have their beards fixed up it looked smart to me. This I know in way contradicts your beautiful article, but beleive me that is not what I am trying to do. My point is seeing other young Singhs, even though they fixed their beard up they looked cool to me.
Proud of you and thanks for sharing this
Wjdk Wjdf
I totally agree and understand your standpoint. But i would suggest that as our Gurus taught to follow your heart and practice free religion. One should not force one's thinking or beliefs on any one . I am not saying one should cut hair or beard for that matter. All i am saying is do not force any one to what one beliefs. Let people find their inner self and grow. help them but do not force them . An incident happened a friend of mine went to Gurudwara sahib with thatha on as his beard was wet . 2 or 3 sikhs came to us and started saying to remove it . That was but harsh on him . I think if you dressing up there is no harm in it . Just a thought. Do not wanna hurt any feelings. But if someone is dressing up for office or anything it should not opposed by our religion which teaches us love and respect for others feelings.
Wjdk Wjdf
The real reason why a sikh would want to tie his beard is because he is ashamed of it to begin with. If you look at any other group of people- whoever decides that they want to keep a beard, nobody would tie it up. The beard is a glorious thing. Have you seen a Jew, a muslim, an orthodox christian or a beard lover who ties his beard? They keep their beard by choice and it would be absolutely absurd to then proceed to tie it up. These people who tie their beard are being forced to keep a beard which they do not actually want- they are ashamed of it. I come from a non-sikh background. I don't have a beard because I was forced to by religious dogma- I want it. Sure there is peer pressure, customs etc, but it is only Sikhs who are known for being so ashamed of their beard as to want to hide it.
Why do you eat with a knife and fork? Eat with your hands.. Why wear a suit and tie to work, go in your kurta pajama.. Why even speak English..If you want to decolonisation..Do it fully.. While you're at it, go back to a village in Punjab where your choice of lifestyle is best suited. Nonsense.
Hey there! Nice post! Please inform us when we will see a follow up!
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