The Langar Hall

NRI Women and “Grooms-For-Money-And-Visas”: What is Going On In Punjab And Abroad?

Posted by Phulkari | Monday, March 17, 2008 – 7:29 pm

Recently on “The Langar Hall” there has been discussion about “Runaway Grooms” who with their immigration status abroad marry women from Punjab, only to abandon them after receiving the dowry. Along with being deserted by their husbands, these women’s “dreams” of going abroad are also shattered. These “dreams” were generally a primary reason many of the women were married to these men. Hasit Shah writes in his BBC news article,

“You can see it around you. There is a lot of foreign money in this city [Jalandhar]. The NRIs have been coming back and building huge houses and flaunting their success. The locals see this and want a better life for their daughters, but when the husband is unscrupulous, the women’s lives are ruined.”

Many Punjabi men in Punjab/India are also tremendously influenced by this wealth and have dreams of going abroad (a lot of it has to do with lack of job/economic opportunities in Punjab). NRI women’s green cards and citizenship status become routes for gaining permanent residency abroad. Interestingly, it is the “unscrupulousness” behavior of “husbands” and gendered power dynamics prevalent in “Runaway Groom” situations that translate into the predicaments faced by a growing number of NRI women who are also manipulated and abused by their Punjabi Sikh husbands from Punjab/India. Their “husbands” were not interested in a marriage … they really only wanted the money and permanent residency abroad. I completely agree that this is not the outcome of all NRI and non-NRI marriages. Many couples are very happy. Yes, I acknowledge that the circumstances are different for NRI and non-NRI women based on the power hierarchy between the US and Punjab, which influence the choices these women make. However, with these issues aside, in this post I would like to focus on the similarity of situations between NRI and non-NRI Punjabi Sikh women and highlight the unique circumstances of NRI women.

Before I begin to address this issue of “grooms-for-money-and-visas”, I want to make it clear that in no way am I trying to discount or ignore how NRI men are also mislead into untruthful marriages by Punjabi Sikh women and their families living in India to also gain money and permanent residency status abroad. Too many times I have heard of unfortunate stories of NRI men marrying Punjabi Sikh women, who after their weddings find themselves only months later in divorce situations because all she wanted was a permanent route to America to apply for her family and sometimes also a lover. Regardless, of the perpetrators gender, this type of marital manipulation is utterly devious and leaves many questioning the sanctity of marriage.

In the recent BBC News article discussing the ramifications of “Runaway Grooms” on women in Punjab, Shah writes,

“Talk to people here and they will tell you that the problem is worsening. It is not just NRI men taking advantage of Indian women. Men here in India are targeting NRI women too.”

Monica Bharwaj, a British Asian woman who is filing a law-suit against her abusive doctor-husband in Chandigarh states:

“I think he married me for visa status and money. When he decided he no longer needed me, he did not want anything to do with me. I was in a terrible situation and I was left on my own. He was very aggressive towards me and beat me several times. He was always demanding money and he told me he’s a doctor and that his wife should be earning as much money as him. He told me not to expect him to feed me.”

Many of these situations begin when women go to Punjab/India to get married. The marriages between NRIs and Non-NRIs are generally pretty quick and/or long-distance through telephone. Usually, the “biodatas” and families are matched (some consideration is also given to the individual) because we know “kisaa daa andhuru thaa dhaakh ni saakh thaa oye that rakhaa pathaa lagh dhaa” (you can’t see the inside of someone, you only find out once you live with them). So with the pressures of wanting and needing to get married along with green-cards and citizenship status, many NRI women become excellent targets for Punjabi men and their families that are good at putting on a “show” at initial meetings than their true selves and intentions. These men make promises and show their “sensitivity” until they know their route to America/abroad is finalized (those women who can figure it out while still in India are lucky compared to women who stay in these marriages trying to make them “work” for years while the permanent residency application is going through). The verbal and physical abuse along with arguments of we can’t “adjust” can lead to the ending of the marriage.

These women are left stigmatized with the divorce label in a community that thinks if a marriage does not work it’s more of the women’s fault than his, while he goes off with a green-card and dowry to find his real “dream” girl (or marry the one he left behind).

Hence, as Shah writes, “For too many women [NRI and non-NRI] what was supposed to be the happiest day of their life is becoming their worst nightmare” because their self-interested and manipulative “grooms” only wanted money and/or permanent residency abroad.

I wonder why a growing number of NRI women are finding themselves in these situations? I personally have heard these stories too many times, feel utter sorrow for those who are/were in these marriages, and fear for those of us who may end-up in similar predicaments (not out of choice, but circumstance). What are the systemic issues? How does our community’s gendered expectations of cultural and familial responsibilities along with sexuality influence these situations? Or do they at all? How about martial prospects for 2nd generation Punjabi Sikh women in the Diaspora? What role do women and men have in supporting notions of “manhood” and “womanhood”? How does this behavior perpetuate cycles of complicity for both genders? How is this complicity manifested into male and female intimate relationships (i.e. friendship, dating, and marriage)? What about gendered power dynamics? Should we break these “roles”? What is to be gained? What is to be lost?

What do you think? How can we in Diaspora address this issue? What can/should we do in Punjab? What do the men think? What’s the female perspective?